I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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