Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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