Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
