I cannot find my penis.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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