I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
