So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
