Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just sucked dick on a ferry
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
