So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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