At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
