Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
