just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
