Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
