I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
