Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
