Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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