remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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