so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
