Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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