Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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