im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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