Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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