we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
