just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
