I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
