dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
