Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I think pants incapable of making pants work
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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