If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
