you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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