I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
