I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
