I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
