god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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