please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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