how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
