I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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