this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
