the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
then he tried to convert me to islam
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
