Will you blow on my dice?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Randomize
