remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
