I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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