Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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