Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
