Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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