yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
organizing the empties. That sober.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
