I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
