whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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