I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
