Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
