I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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