your parents love me but you hate me
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
