I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
