There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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