my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
